Evil Dead (2013)

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Stupid, gore filled film full of terrible acting/dialogue, an incomprehensible plot, very little to no true tension or scares or passion of any kind, and some of the worst “violence for violence’s sake” moments I’ve ever seen in a “horror” movie, if you can even call it that. Sure, it has all the artificial makings of a horror film: cheap scares, creepy atmosphere, demonic possession, pretty people being offed in increasingly graphic ways, etc etc, but is it a true horror film? I don’t know. Is watching people being mangled and murdered for one and a half hours in an assortment of disgusting supernatural ways horror, especially when said murder and dismemberment is done in such a soulless, uninteresting manner? I’d say no. Gore aside, I’d say this movie is about as much a horror film as Michael Bay’s Transformers is a science fiction film. All the surface elements are there, but god, my eyes, why? Just awful on almost every front.

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The film is soulless, plain and simple. There’s no tension, as I mentioned before, save a little bit at the beginning when you’re wondering when all the mayhem is going to start, but once it does it’s nothing but mediocre gore scene after mediocre gore scene. They’re not even particularly creative or scary or even remotely emotional, thanks to some terrible, clichéd dialogue and some of the most god awful acting I’ve seen in a mainstream film in ages. Do any of these people even know how to act? Isn’t Jane Levy, the sort of lead here, the main character of a television show? Did she somehow forget how to act whenever she showed up on set for this? Or are the filmmakers to blame here? Or is it a mix of both? You just don’t care about these people, because there’s nothing to care about. Main character and her brother aside, there’s almost no character development, and what little there is is stupid and boring. And did I mention it isn’t scary? And no, I don’t count the repeated urge to vomit from something disgusting happening on-screen frightening. And this film had the nerve to tout itself as the most horrifying film you’ll ever see? What!?!? Talk about false advertising.

There are a few jump scenes here and there, sure, and one moment at the end of the first act where **SPOILERS** Levy’s character tells her stupid pretty boy brother who can’t act for squat what she saw in the woods **END SPOILERS** that was somewhat chilling, and, surprisingly, not terribly acted, but everything else is more or less gore for gore’s sake. In fact, it was around the time one of the characters is **SPOILERS** getting stabbed repeatedly in the face with a syringe **END SPOILERS** that I thought to myself, why the hell am I watching this? It’s not entertaining, it’s not interesting, it’s not clever, it’s not scary, it’s not even particularly convincing. Not one of these characters is even remotely sympathetic or acts in a way I would describe as intelligent, rational, or even “not completely moronic.”

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I mean, the **SPOILERS** long-haired 70s hippy model guy obviously hired for his looks sees the warnings scrawled all over the book specifically warning him to NOT READ THE GOD DAMN PASSAGE THAT’S BEEN REPEATEDLY CROSSED OUT aloud, but what does he do, for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Goes OUT OF HIS WAY to trace the book’s forbidden passage on a piece of paper AND READS THE GOD DAMN THING ALOUD. **END SPOILERS** Alone. For no reason whatsoever. And this after **SPOILERS** finding an entire basement full of DEAD CATS HANGING FROM THE CEILING, **END SPOILERS** which by the way is never explained, as most things in this film aren’t. And he did this not as a dare or a bet, mind you, or even as an implied bit of curiosity. Nope. He just went and did it, no motivation, not even much emotion on that pretty, pretty face of his that is surely the main reason he got this role in the first place. Also, who the hell continues to stay in a cabin after finding **SPOILERS** a bunch of dead cats hanging from a ceiling in its basement **END SPOILERS** anyway? What rational person would do that, let alone a whole group? Oh, poorly written morons, right. Just lazy, lazy writing, filmmaking, everything. God. Awful.

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Overall, I didn’t much care for this film, if you hadn’t been able to tell up until this point. There’s so many problems with this thing that I could probably write another couple of pages on of it, like how the plot, despite being dumb and cliché, with a long copied and parodied premise it makes no attempt to spin into anything original at any point, is still needlessly dense and convoluted and completely incomprehensible at times. How does one make a cliché confusing, exactly? How does one make the predictable utterly incomprehensible? Who the hell knows, but this film does it, again and again, and not in a good way. And the ending, ugh. Arguably the only visually interesting scene in the film, but what the hell was going on exactly? Why, what, huh? How? And the scene before that, with the **SPOILERS** makeshift defibrillator. Really? Out of two syringes and a battery? **END SPOILERS** What is this, Macgyver? Did this film suddenly turn into a cartoon? Oh, and the style of this film, so forced and in your face. No subtlety to it whatsoever. Yes, it’s a horror film, we get it. Try putting a little more effort on the script next time, eh?

There’s no redeeming value to this film whatsoever. A few pretty visuals here and there don’t make up for the terrible acting/writing/cinematography/directing/lack of scares. This is not a horror film. It’s just gore for gore’s sake, and it’s not even particularly creative or well done gore. Gore in of itself isn’t scary. Maybe to some it is, but not to me. At least the music was good. But this is one of the worst “horror” films I’ve ever seen. Just generic and soulless and uninspired at almost every level. Avoid.

 

 

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