Fast Five (2011) – 1.5/5

A complete piece of crap from start to finish. The opening credits were okay, namely because I don’t remember if there even were any, but everything else was just garbage. I don’t know what else I was expecting going into it, really. It was free, so I thought, why not? It got good reviews, and stars Vin Diesel who I think is underrated as an actor, and, heck, it’s an action film; as long as it mostly makes sense I’ll be happy. Nope. Couldn’t even do that.

I mean, it is the fifth installment of a series not exactly known for its brilliant plot, convincing acting, and believable/realistic scenarios. And yet, I was still extremely disappointed, offended even, that such garbage not only continues to get made, but continues to have success. What is wrong with you people? Stop encouraging Hollywood to continue making this crap.

There’s no story here. Laughable dialogue. Terrible, terrible, terrible acting. Most of the film doesn’t even make sense. You have a **SPOILERS** pregnant woman jumping from a rooftop unto a flimsy shack without sustaining so much as a scratch, bullets miraculously missing all our main characters yet managing to hit everything else, a freaking bank vault being dragged about busy downtown streets by two sports cars driven by our main characters who couldn’t care less about the hundreds of pedestrians they’re surely putting in grave danger and/or horribly killing. And these are supposed to be our heroes? Also, who the hell steals a bank vault like that? While not only not getting caught, but succeeding? Come on.  And that’s just the last half hour of the film.

And why the hell would you waste 2/3rds of the film on the careful planning of a delicate stealth mission if you’re just going to scrap the whole thing at the last-minute and go for a balls out, ridiculous bait and switch scheme anyway? Why not just do that to begin with and save the audience an hour of pointless exposition? Oh, but then we wouldn’t have had any of that precious character development. Right. And speaking of character development, The Rock’s character made no sense. So he’s a cop with a strong sense of justice, yet isn’t beyond putting two bullets into a struggling, severely wounded man crawling on the ground before him begging for his life. Granted the guy was evil, but you’re a cop, damn it! You don’t kill people in cold blood like that, what’s wrong with you? **END SPOILERS** Complete crap.

This thing is barely even a movie. Save the action scene at the beginning involving a train, which actually gave me a bit of hope that this movie would turn out half decent, it’s just one crappy set piece after another strung together by random scenes of big, stupid looking muscly men acting tough and shooting at things and driving fast cars and being otherwise real manly.

Speaking of which, was The Rock even trying to act human in this film? His scenes alone are enough to make you want to gouge out your eyes in horror. Terrible delivery of terrible dialogue. A block of wood would have given a better performance. Granted it wouldn’t have looked as inflated, or had as much chin hair, or been drenched in nearly as much sweat, but a better performance would surely have come out of it. Think about it, Hollywood. Next “Furious” film, instead of paying a big macho steroid-infused actor $20 million to give a wooden performance in your crappy movie, skip the expense and go directly for the block of wood. We are in a recession after all, and think how many explosions $20 million more dollars in your budget could buy. Why, it could be a movie chock full of explosions! Just wall to wall explosions! Screw story and character, give the people want they want! Yeah!

Okay I’ m done. Terrible movie, and The Rock’s character has arguably had to have been one of the worst ever created, written, and acted in the history of cinema. He also looked quite stupid, thus further proving my point. Some action scenes, though stupid, were entertaining, but overall, it’s just another nail in the coffin that is modern cinema. Do not watch.

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